Ain’t Hurting No More

Sitting here thinking about the long drawn out argument that went on with my EX recently for two days. Any interactions with him over the last ten years have been far from pleasant. There has not been any amount of speaking in tongues to change his demeanor and behavior toward me. However, the amazing thing about those bitter times lately is that I leave them smiling. How in the world could this be due to the fact that I am an OVERCOMER to the utter destruction of domestic violence? Being thrown down to the floor repeatedly, cruel words pounded into my ears to the point that I vomited everything in my stomach over & over again and couldn’t breathe for seem like days afterwards, the constant control of my associations, finances, sexual pleasures, and the list goes on. All I did was fall in love with a man who was twelve years my senior and thought that I had walked into my happily ever after. Instead it became the greatest nightmare that crushed my view of love & security into the ground. I felt that giving up my sexual innocence for something supposedly beautiful and lasting would be well worth it, but no amount of guilt could fill the large vacuum in my soul. Nothing but a bouncing baby boy who was born within a year of meeting “G.” I shut the door to my suffering to embrace my new role as a mother. I became whole for the first time since the darkness had engulfed my life. However, it was short lived because new ways to toy with me were found and my insides began to crumble again. The need for me to walk away was a reality, but I found more excuses to fight for what caused me to bleed. Two months after our bundle of joy turned a year old, “G” walked away for good. He took everything with him to strike the final blow of my life being over without him. The silence met up with my tears and it seemed like I crawled forever. I had everything to live for because I was a mother and an educator. Those little faces were expecting me to stand tall. I continued to grapple around for hope. The love of God became my iron rod to stand during the day and a warm blanket to cover my shame at night. Sometimes I kneeled and other times I rolled, but I embraced the healing balm of God. I sobbed and screamed until I jumped out of the clutches of abuse. It couldn’t hold me. My purpose just wouldn’t allow it to any longer. In walks a man just months of me rebuilding my life and I couldn’t stand to look into his eyes. My heart was locked and the key had been thrown away. Truly amazing at how real love can alter everything. A year later we were married, and the real battle for my trust began. The wall came down because the man of my dreams and the world were waiting on the courageous woman who lived behind it. Many fears and arguments later, I have embraced true love and change. The past has nothing new to say to me because I ain’t hurting no more.

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